Quickfire de Merde

Here we are again. I didn't think we'd be here again so soon. Where you ask? Quickfire de Merde (and really, to enjoy that phrase to it's fullest, go to Google Language Translate and use the Listen button, it's so much more elegant than it deserves to be). I thought we had suffered the worst Quickfire ever with the plating but not eating Quickfire in which Richard's ashtray dish won him immunity.



That I even have to rethink the title of Worst Ever is a sad development indeed. Yet here we are. It begins innocently enough, the chefs hanging around their loft, trying to figure out what madness is in store for them. Or perhaps they were discussing the finer points of Chef Law. I think the hostess of Top Chef dropping in for a visit must be a violation because the chefs freak out.


Of course anywhere Padma shows up, a ten minute Quickfire is sure to follow. She takes them to the roof to point out their next location, Ellis Island. To get to the island they must take a ferry. This is where the nastiness begins. They must produce their QF dish from the product they find in the snack grill of the ferry. Whole Foods it ain't.



Even worse? They don't know what their time limit is. When the ferry horn blows, they start, when it blows again, they stop. Obviously it's at least 10 to 15 minutes. We're not talking Miami Vice cigarette boat here, it's a New York City ferry.


Still the chefs must scramble to make something....anything. Blaise decides that the ferry boat snack bar food can only be enhanced by a secret weapon in his knife kit. A product so powerful it will make any guest judge bow down to his superior knowledge. He has waited until the ultimate moment to unleash this weapon.....


...an MRE. Except I don't know if Richard pulled this out to use for the food contents or as a method to cook the hot dogs he yanked from the fridge. I suspect the latter. The MREs use a Flameless Ration Heater (FRH), a water-activated exothermic reaction product that emits heat and thus allowed Richard to cook his hot dogs. I guess because using the hot dog griller wouldn't have been as sexy.
Definitely not sexy was whatever Mike came up with.


Hot dog bun, cheese vomit soup. Yes there were some other pedestrian offerings, grilled cheese, nachos, orange salad, but this? Even more horrifying?


They make Dan Barber of Blue Hill Farm eat it. Just exactly who did Dan piss off??? That's not to say the segment wasn't without some entertainment value. You see there was trash talking. A LOT of trash talking.


Knocking the simplicity of someone else's dish when you yourself have produced Cheese Vomit soup is not particularly good form. Perhaps Mikey was just following his natural inclination of adhering to Douchebag Law? Not to be outdone in the douchery department, Richard finds fault with not one but two chef's dishes.


Apparently Antonia should be thrown from the ferry for daring to toast!!! Oh the inhumanity. He also tosses Carla in the Lifeboat of Shame with Antonia for good measure for slicing some oranges and making a salad.


Because don't you know that boiling a hot dog and throwing the ferry boat sink on top of it is the height of culinary genius!! Except that's not the way the guest judge saw it. Dan does put Richard in the top three but he praises Antonia's grilling technique and had the audacity to give Carla the win for her sliced oranges.


Not that it really matters. There's no money or car at stake. I mean, do you really want to win this challenge? Do you think anybody leaves Top Chef bragging about winning the Ferry Boat Snack Bar challenge?

Apparently someone really wanted to win this challenge.

So tell me Crack Monkeys, was it the worst Quickfire ever? I mean, just in this season of All Stars alone, we've had some doozys. The Make a Dish with No Utensils or Equipment QF, the Presentation Only QF or this one, Ferry Boat Snack Bar QF? Make your case in the comments section and just be glad you didn't have to taste Hot Dog Bun Cheese Vomit Soup.