Quickfire de Merde

Here we are again. I didn't think we'd be here again so soon. Where you ask? Quickfire de Merde (and really, to enjoy that phrase to it's fullest, go to Google Language Translate and use the Listen button, it's so much more elegant than it deserves to be). I thought we had suffered the worst Quickfire ever with the plating but not eating Quickfire in which Richard's ashtray dish won him immunity.



That I even have to rethink the title of Worst Ever is a sad development indeed. Yet here we are. It begins innocently enough, the chefs hanging around their loft, trying to figure out what madness is in store for them. Or perhaps they were discussing the finer points of Chef Law. I think the hostess of Top Chef dropping in for a visit must be a violation because the chefs freak out.


Of course anywhere Padma shows up, a ten minute Quickfire is sure to follow. She takes them to the roof to point out their next location, Ellis Island. To get to the island they must take a ferry. This is where the nastiness begins. They must produce their QF dish from the product they find in the snack grill of the ferry. Whole Foods it ain't.



Even worse? They don't know what their time limit is. When the ferry horn blows, they start, when it blows again, they stop. Obviously it's at least 10 to 15 minutes. We're not talking Miami Vice cigarette boat here, it's a New York City ferry.


Still the chefs must scramble to make something....anything. Blaise decides that the ferry boat snack bar food can only be enhanced by a secret weapon in his knife kit. A product so powerful it will make any guest judge bow down to his superior knowledge. He has waited until the ultimate moment to unleash this weapon.....


...an MRE. Except I don't know if Richard pulled this out to use for the food contents or as a method to cook the hot dogs he yanked from the fridge. I suspect the latter. The MREs use a Flameless Ration Heater (FRH), a water-activated exothermic reaction product that emits heat and thus allowed Richard to cook his hot dogs. I guess because using the hot dog griller wouldn't have been as sexy.
Definitely not sexy was whatever Mike came up with.


Hot dog bun, cheese vomit soup. Yes there were some other pedestrian offerings, grilled cheese, nachos, orange salad, but this? Even more horrifying?


They make Dan Barber of Blue Hill Farm eat it. Just exactly who did Dan piss off??? That's not to say the segment wasn't without some entertainment value. You see there was trash talking. A LOT of trash talking.


Knocking the simplicity of someone else's dish when you yourself have produced Cheese Vomit soup is not particularly good form. Perhaps Mikey was just following his natural inclination of adhering to Douchebag Law? Not to be outdone in the douchery department, Richard finds fault with not one but two chef's dishes.


Apparently Antonia should be thrown from the ferry for daring to toast!!! Oh the inhumanity. He also tosses Carla in the Lifeboat of Shame with Antonia for good measure for slicing some oranges and making a salad.


Because don't you know that boiling a hot dog and throwing the ferry boat sink on top of it is the height of culinary genius!! Except that's not the way the guest judge saw it. Dan does put Richard in the top three but he praises Antonia's grilling technique and had the audacity to give Carla the win for her sliced oranges.


Not that it really matters. There's no money or car at stake. I mean, do you really want to win this challenge? Do you think anybody leaves Top Chef bragging about winning the Ferry Boat Snack Bar challenge?

Apparently someone really wanted to win this challenge.

So tell me Crack Monkeys, was it the worst Quickfire ever? I mean, just in this season of All Stars alone, we've had some doozys. The Make a Dish with No Utensils or Equipment QF, the Presentation Only QF or this one, Ferry Boat Snack Bar QF? Make your case in the comments section and just be glad you didn't have to taste Hot Dog Bun Cheese Vomit Soup.

Time to Fess Up!

Nude Fondue Parties part of your life experience?
	Hell yeah, let me show you all my hot cheese scars
	I experimented a little when I was living in the college dorms
	Nude and Food do NOT go together
	I'm not telling nor will the pictures be posted on my Facebook page
	Nude fondue, no.....nude sushi, yes
pollcode.com free polls

And the Winner is....

Holy cow that was a Restaurant Wars for the ages? Two teams of five, an awesome twist of the letting the customers decide whose food was better and yet another guest judge with accent thicker than Marcel's head. My question for the morning after for once doesn't have to do with the chef who was auffed last night. No, we all knew that was coming the moment Dale chose Marcel as his opposing team leader. What I have an issue with is who was awarded the win and $10,000.


Now if you've read this blog long enough you know I'm not a great fan of Chef Blaise. It has to do with some issues that happened during his season, his reliance on cutesy name play with his dishes but the biggest issue I've had with him is that he felt he was really the winner of his season, that somehow he lost for some other reason than he got out-cooked. I don't deny the man has skills and those skills were rocking on all cylinders during this episode. With all that in mind, I still would not have awarded the win to him. Nope instead I would have given it to...


..this guy. Fabio totally kicked ass in his many roles for Restaurant Wars. Now there's a mistaken belief that when you put something out front for Restaurant Wars, they get auffed. In the seven previous seasons, that's only happened twice. The reason why we tend to believe this is because the judges harp so much on front of house service performed by chefs. So it only seems fair to me that sparkling front of house service should have been rewarded. Just compare the two chef's performances in that role. Tiffany failed on cooking eggs, totally screwed her asparagus dish, and was not exactly well versed in her front of house role. In all honesty, Mike would have been better at front of house but he didn't volunteer. Fabio on the other hand set up his restaurant, fully prepped his waitstaff, most likely greeted every guest, and helped with food prep. When Dale started freaking out a bit at start of service, who was it that calmed him down and made things run smoother? Not Richard. It was Fabio. How was Fabio's contribution to the menu? Well, he made a dessert. We all know that desserts are the kiss of death in Top Chef. How was his dessert? Apparently one of his best offerings so far in this competition and totally melded with the rest of the menu. So while Richard did a good job as his self appointed role of technical adviser (????) I think the real winner was Fabio. So I'm awarding him $10,000 in Karmic Kitchen Bucks (actual value - Doodly Squat) for the fantastic job he did for Restaurant Wars.

Top Chef All Stars - It's Anybody's Game

There's quite a bit of blathering chatter on Top Chef. Sometimes it's amusing, sometimes it's mystifying but most of it is attention whoremongering. Sometimes I like muting the sound and just watching the faces. It tells you oh so much. What this particular picture tells me is that when a 7th place chef (in his season) beats out two runner ups for a car and immunity, it stings a bit.

The Curious Case of Jamie Lauren

Here we are, we've just finished Episode 4 and I think we're seeing the revolution of the Top Chef Game Player. I'm beginning to think Jamie Lauren is brilliant.

Sure she cut herself and took the advice of the medic and went to the hospital to have her finger stitched up. Did she cut herself on purpose? Certainly no one can believe that but I also don't believe Jamie went to the hospital in order to duck her responsibilities of the team dish. Like it or not, they won't auff a chef because they hurt themselves. Would have others done differently, geez yeah, we had a whole parade of war stories but make no mistake about it, Jamie is her own woman and seems to know what's best for her. It's not like she's refused to cook every dish, she just missed out on helping with Jen's dish and she undercooked her chick peas for Match Play.


If you should be pissed anyone for the Yellow Team losing it should be at Asshat. They so depended on his so called strategy instead of calmly assessing out their best match ups head to head. Who is your best chef, match them with their best chef and down the line. Stupid thing was Asshat could have taken Blaise if his shrimp had even been halfway decent. Let's also not forget that Jamie is under no obligation to do what anyone says, it's still a competition and knowing her dish wasn't up to snuff and refusing to put it out there kept her in the game. Was she supposed to throw herself under the bus for Asshat?? That alone makes me like her. Even better?

Getting Richard Blaise all agitated. His little exchange with Jamie was telling. He asks her about what her "story" is which is a reference regarding how each chef gets a story line developed about them whether they like it or not. Villian, underdog, hero, one to beat, and so on. Blaise seems to think that Jamie's story is how Jamie's not cooking which is bullshit. She's cooking at this point it's just not in the top or bottom. Solidly in the middle. What about Blaise's story? He's not exactly blowing away the competition. Episode One he was one fourth of a Chicago Sausage Quickfire win. Episode Two he was one third of a win with Banana Parfait. Episode Three he is again a fourth of a win for the Quickfire with a Crispy Lambchop. That's it. When it comes down to just Blaise and his dish, no wins. If he's as good as he certainly thinks he is, shouldn't he have at least a single dish win? All I know is that Jamie seems to be the Teflon Chef, getting under Blaise's skin and helping Asshat out the door. Which means it's all good at Blogging Basement Central.

Oh No They Didn't!

Watching this first episode of Top Chef All Stars has been eye opening. If there were a dictionary in the Chef Containment Crib, the word humble would be cut out, rolled into a cigarette and smoked while having a glass of wine up on the outdoor patio. The words Arrogant, Superior, Egotistical, and Pompous would be enlarged to a font size of 24 and bolded. Of all the chefs, I would have never imagined that Dale Talde would be the humblest guy in the room. He stepped up like a man, admitted the butterscotch scallop dish he made that got him eliminated was horrendous and he deserved to go. Congratulations Dale, a little humble pie goes a long way here in the Kitchen.


That was the easy award to give out. Choosing the most full of themselves from the remaining chefs was a little more difficult. How can you not think of Fabio and his smoldering Italian outrage erupting to the point of inviting judge Anthony Bourdain to step out back in the alley to demonstrate his anger issues.

Sorry Fabio, my money would have been on Bourdain to show you just how bad your dish was in a distinctly American fashion.

Then there was Richard Blaise, self proclaimed winner of Season 3. With that thought burning brightly in his frontal lobe, he then decides that the rules are for everyone else and certainly not for the self proclaimed winner of Season 3.

Timers and rules are for Suckers! Of course it could have cost you the $10,000 prize for the challenge. Chump change, right?

However there is a reason why they have large double doors leading into the Top Chef Kitchen. They need plenty of clearance to allow Jennifer Carroll's head to wedge it's way through.


I was a huge fan of Jen during her season, I thought she was going to take the whole thing however she failed to crack the top three. That hasn't stopped her from talking a mighty big game.

"My season was the most intimidating because of me"

Backing up the talk with your cooking skills would help but when your duck in your duck dish goes MIA, intimidating you are not. So we award Jen Carroll our first ever "I Am The Shit" Award for outrageous pomposity.

A real necklace you can buy for yourself or a shitty loved one from Locher.

Congratulations, you earned it.

Just in Time for Thanksgiving

Top Chef All Star Dinner Reunion. Or. My title for it, TC Bitchfest 2009. 12 of your most outspoken, outrageous, most fun to get into a fist fight over Top Chef contestants, sitting down and breaking bread together. For some reason, Fabio has been given the Andy Cohen-host duties for the night. Why? My guess is to throw the subtitles producer some work, otherwise, beats me. Now from the previews (available at Bravo here) there's a couple of things I'm thankful for: 1) I don't see Season 4's resident Asshat anywhere at the table. 2) I do see a lot of my favs, Harold, Tiff, Dale, Carla, Lisa and Hung. 3) No Tom Colicchio....yet. I can't say for certain he won't show up. I hope not. What would be the point, to constantly ask the chefs if they tasted their food or complain about too much or too little salt. Shoo Tom, shoo.
What's absolutely fascinating are some of the things that were voiced, at least on the previews. One opinion voiced by more than one chef is that they are tired of being asked about certain things, which...is not unexpected. I'm pretty sure Tiff and Dave are sick to death of their catch phrase. Casey would surely like to forget what she said to a blogger, thinking it was off the record, about her experience helping Carla in the finals of Season 5 only to have it blow up online. Marcel is still a bit prickly (or a bit of a prick, take your pick) about the madness that was his season. But the one thing every single one of these chefs needs to remember is that without Top Chef, a show every single one of them chose to be on, no matter what the consequences were to their careers, without being on Top Chef, chances are none of them would have the national recognition that they have today. We wouldn't know their names, we wouldn't know what kind of influences have shaped their cooking, we wouldn't seek out their restaurants to plunk down our hard earned money and enjoy a meal. As Tiff once said, Top Chef puts butts in the seats. So tune in tomorrow and revel in juicy bitchiness and grown out hair styles because I doubt there will be much discussion about actual food. Unless they've figured out a great way to serve a succulent Roast Rack of Bitch.

What if...

Congrats to the four finalists!

You are ALL talented, and we wish you luck!!