Top Chef Finals: Round 1

Still going strong...

All the pretty little critics...

Food critic Adam Platt of NY Magazine has got it pretty cushy. Eat food for a living and write about it in New York City. But that's not all - he's got an equally cushy gig contributing to a blog that covers Top Chef over at Grub Street, along with pals Josh Ozersky and Daniel Maurer. Generally I don't read the thousands of blogs and boards that navel gaze Top Chef. (Amuse Biatch and Dorothy Surrenders keep me satisfied.) However, the nickname that this trio of gentlemen, or "Snark Pack" has come up with for the much maligned Lisa Fernandes does have me wondering about the appearance of the pots who see fit to call the kettle "gorgon".

First up, the lovely Josh Ozersky.Yikes! Kids, this is one reason why women go lesbian. I could never respect the words of someone who looks like that!

Maybe Daniel Maurer is the Tom Cruise of this pack...Hmmm...maybe not. And what does it say when you hide your own face in a room full of mirrors? Tom Cruise he ain't! How in the world can I believe that a single word he writes is worth the paper on which it's printed??

My last remaining hope of beauty from the Snark Pack is Adam Platt. Here are Adam's brothers, Oliver and Nicholas Jr.Sadly there are no photos of Adam available. The best I could come up with was this "Critic Relocation Program" picture they had to use over at Big Think.Now, you might think "Is the way Adam Platt looks really relevant to what he does?" Perhaps not. But then again, this fine gentleman and his buddies compared Lisa Fernandez' looks to those of an ancient Greek monster without ever having had so much as a whiff of her culinary creations. So I challenge you, Adam Platt, to a face off. Step out of the shadows and reveal yourself so we can see if you're truly pretty enough to be taken seriously...

The Defiant Face That Launched a Thousand Hateful Little Ships

Meet Lisa Fernandes. Apparently a lot of you out there know this woman and her food so intimately that you can come up with a multitude of reasons why she should not still be competing for the title of Top Chef...

It never ceases to amaze me just how much vitriol can be hurled at a person for the stupidest of reasons: The crossed arms. The look on her face. The double chin. The tone of her voice. Her lesbianism. Her defense of her own food. Does she have chutzpah? Absolutely. So why all the hate?

Don't get me wrong. I think Stephanie is going to win this thing hands down. But I also think Antonia blew her opportunity to advance just like Dale did, and that Lisa cooked just well enough to advance ahead of Antonia. That's what happens in this crazy reality show called Top Chef. Put simply, an abrasive personality is not what's judged. Food is. Lesbianism is not judged, seasoning is. Personal appearances are not evaluated as part of a dish, the appearance of the protein on the plate is.

I'm sorry that your favorite chef (~insert aggrieved party's name here~) was sent packing before Lisa. But unlike Bravo's other reality shows where you can see a dress or a dance move or a haircut, we viewers cannot taste the food. So why don't we dial down the hate that's being dumped on Lisa and concentrate on what appears to be a battle royale of a finale.

Top Chef Finale Poll & Teaser...

The first part of the Top Chef finale is tomorrow!
Check out Chef Colicchio's "pork tease"

Which Chef do you think will be eliminated first?
	Antonia
	Lisa
	Richard
	Stephanie
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Scallopgate Schmallopgate...

To say that we've been underwhelmed by this season of Top Chef (or should we say "Top Caterer") would certainly be an understatement. Despite early claims of the superior skills of this set of chefs over past seasons chefs, we just haven't been too impressed.

Chicago is nice but we just haven't been seeing the "location vibe" showing up in the food like we did in Miami. Oh sure we had deep dish pizza as a quickfire and the Tailgate episode with the Bears but sadly Chicago's depth as a serious foodie town just hasn't been plumbed. I mean, here we are, the last episode before uprooting the finalists and what is the big hubbub? Frozen scallops in a steak joint's walk-in. And not just the joyous Hallelujah chorus that was heard in at least two dark dank basements last Wednesday. Nope, apparently just the mere appearance of frozen scallops within the hallowed confines of Rick Tramonto's restaurant is the story of the moment. Bah!

On a side note, I must applaud the producers for the smartest move they could have ever made, namely the hiring of Lee Anne Wong as their Food Wrangler. She is fiendishly clever at the twists the chefs must deal with when it comes to what's available to them, as well as how the challenges are set up. While she hasn't posted a blog entry for this episode I wouldn't be surprised at all if she had something to do with frozen scallops showing up as a possible boneheaded choice to trip up a not so astute chef. Thank you Lee Anne if it was you, thank you from the bottom of my dark, dank basement of a heart.The other thing that has been so disappointing this season is the lack of Anthony Bourdain's blog on Top Chef. It's no secret that we openly adore the man and his take on all things Top Chef. Imagine our glee when he popped back up on the Top Chef blogolicious radar over on his normal Travel Channel blog proving that the man is just as much as a Top Chef crack monkey as we are.

His take on why Dale was auffed during Restaurant Wars is sublime. I love his thought process on judging - who would he want to hire and the evaluation of the dish set before him. He skates the thin ice of inconsistent judging by stating "Judging on Top Chef -- as has been pointed out repeatedly (most recently and succinctly by my learned colleague, Ted Allen) is on a "What Have You Cooked For Me Lately" basis. We are not supposed to care what has been achieved previously." It's that "supposed" that leads me to believe that while he might not state it out loud, our dear Father Tony might not be convinced that the "regular" judges don't take into account the wins and losses of the chefs before them. Not that he really cares. Give him the task of Head Judge for a week then yes, he's wearing the blue jacket and crunching down on all the fun that goes with it. I'd say he was even polite in his criticism of Dale at judges table of what is now known as the Worst Dish Ever on Top Chef (Dale, those butterscotch scallops replaced CJ's brocolini on line one - we're sure he gives you his deep, deep thanks).

No, Father Tony is just having too much fun. So, gnash your teeth, tear at your hair and spout conspiracy theories until the Tomahawk Beef comes home, Tony says you are wrong. Since the man has been there as a guest judge, a head judge and most importantly, an avid fan of the show, I'll take him at his word. All of his words. Just as long as he keeps writing them

Where's the beef???

For a mere $164.95 plus shipping and handling, you can order two (count em'!) "Tomahawk" long bone ribeye chops from Allen Brothers, the company that supplied the steaks seen on last night's episode of Top Chef. These dry aged beauties are about an inch and a half thick, and weigh in at 30/34 oz. each.

If you're too impatient to wait for delivery, you can visit your local Whole Foods, where the fine folks in the butcher department will cut and french dry aged rib eye into "tomahawk chops" for about $35.00 each ($5.00 less per chop than quoted by my local butcher!). Bon appetit!

Congrats to the four finalists!

You are ALL talented, and we wish you luck!!

We've Been Slimed

Yes it's true, ever since consuming the last episode of Top Chef, both the Gals have experienced a keyboard clogging SLIME! Each time they went to post or chop their photos, a dreadful slime would appear to gum up their efforts. It wasn't even an exciting slime, just boring, lay there and do nothing sort of slime. Our geeky computer Yoda masters tell us that the life span of this particular slime lasts roughly a week. The Gals will be back this Wednesday, hopefully slime-free. Until then, enjoy the slimy goodness because we do so love to share.

Unofficial Pantry Poll

Which of the following do you consider "pantry" items?
	Olive/Vegetable Oil
	Vinegar(s)
	Flour
	Sugar
	Salt
	Dried Herbs
	Spices
	Canned Tomatoes
	Onions
	Potatoes
	Fresh Herbs
	Tomato Paste
	Molasses/Honey
	Garlic
	Tomato Sauce
	Rice
	Dried Beans/Legumes
	Dried Pasta/Couscous
	Nuts
	Miso Paste
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Where's the Pepto?

This look pretty much sums up the way I felt this week after viewing the latest efforts of Top Chef. Confused and frustrated. It sucks when one of your favorite chefs is jettisoned from the herd. But this season more than any other I can't say I understand a lot of what's going on with the "judging".
I certainly understand the concept of the viewer not being able to taste the dish to make us rely on the judges as to whether a dish tastes good or bad. I could understand why other factors come into play when judging a dish such as leadership, adhering to the "challenge" (improvising, tailgating, dessert, ect.), presentation and so on. However even that has dropped by the wayside and left me in the valley of despair. It's time to call the judging what it is, superficial and capricious.


I'm trying to follow the logic. The elimination challenge was simple enough, make a dish of the things called out by the audience at the Second City Comedy Night. A color, an emotion and an ingredient. Now because it's Top Chef, I don't have a clue what the rules really are but ONE would think that the specific ingredient was important, the color also but to a lesser extent and the emotion element and improvising your dish factor would allow some wiggle room. Now I'm not even going to get into all the other bullshit tricks that were thrown into the mix because in my opinion they were stupid reality TV show twists that add very little to determining a good top chef.

This was the winning dish, Green Tofu Perplexed. This dish should have won. It used the ingredient, it used the color and it even used the emotion, perplexed which apparently the diners were when they tasted the beef flavor of the tofu. It was nicely improvised by Dale and Richard. Thank goodness because the other choice was the Asshat's long awaited Squash Soup he's been dying to make for apparently the entire season. Team Asshat had Yellow Love Vanilla. So we got an orange squash soup with a Crème fraîche dollop sprinkled with vanilla. It wasn't yellow, it didn't really give off the emotion of love and the ingredient was a sprinkling and it certainly wasn't improvised. Oh well.

Our two losing teams are sweating bullets. Why? I guess because one team didn't use the ingredient, used the wrong color and took the emotion and applied it only to themselves. They did improvise but you would think that one of the two members of that team would be going home. You would think that because the other team used the ingredient, sort of used the color, and applied the emotion to the dish that this would be a no-brainer sort of decision. When you're supposed to use polish sausage and you decide to use sea bass? Seems like the sort of judging criteria that would send someone home for not cooking tailgate food at a Bears game. You would be very wrong in that assumption. Because Jen had to pack her knives. Poor Jen fell into the trap of partnering with Stephanie who has done so well in the early rounds that she now brings the all important "Benefit of the Doubt" factor with her whenever she might appear at a losing judges table.

I know I was just as shocked as Jen. I don't know why. After Richard slipping by with his scaly mushy salmon I should have known anything was possible. What's also possible is that I'm finding that the judging is sloppy, badly seasoned and has absolutely no direction or cohesion. I suggest the judges clean up their act or they will be packing their mics and going home.

And this season's Top Chef is...

I'm going to go out on a limb and predict that this season's winner will be Spike.

Why Spike, you ask? Is it his charming personality? Winning wit? Extraordinary culinary skills?

No, dear readers, I'm basing my prediction solely on the fact that, in seasons past, whomever I have predicted to win automatically gets eliminated. Cross your fingers...

Locker Cam

It's All Over!

Can we stop with the speculation?
Another night at the Winner's table.
Can it be that we'll finally have our first female Top Chef?
The Big Shamu says YES!*


*Disclaimer - The Big Shamu has yet to pick a winner in the 3 previous seasons of Top Chef. As a matter of fact she's an expert at picking the Runner Up when she thinks she's picking the winner. Feel free to point that out to her the next time she gets mouthy.

Top Chef Chicago Poll

What's your opinion of this season of Top Chef?
	I love it! Can't wait for the next episode!
	So far, I'm not impressed, but I'll keep watching.
	It's too soon to form an opinion.
	It's boring. I'm not watching again.
	Top what?
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Chefbian Faux Poll

In the previews of tomorrow's episode of Top Chef: Chicago, we see Chef Jen kicking chairs. Which of the following do you think might have contributed to her tantrum?

A:
B.
C.

Dude, lay off the espresso...

Is it just us?

Blinigate...??

Valerie shares her conspiracy theory with Grub St.
Thanks, Jill!

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