Top Chef The Tour

Quick - Can you name the chef who was eliminated during the 9th episode of Top Chef Season 4? How about the chef who went as far as Episode 12 without an Elimination win in Season 6? Names not rolling off your tongue? Then the Top Chef The Tour is just the thing for you.

The announcement at Bravo's website sounds pretty sweet huh? Prizes, food, meeting chefs in person? Meet the Kansas City Tour stop.

OK so 10:30 AM on an overcast Friday in downtown Kansas City is not the most rocking place. Still enough folks interested in Top Chef showed up to fill up the 64 seats for the first show of 4 "dining experiences". What kinds of Top Chef interactions did they get to experience?

There was the Guess the Ingredient station.

Top Chef Putt Putt Golf, only one hole. Why putt putt golf? No idea what so ever.

Photos with Tom and Padma. Sadly no bears in sight to pose with Tom. There were also plenty of TVs set up with googly eyed NY Housewives bursting forth with their mindless chattering. At any moment I expect them to throw poop at the people watching them. Hint to the Tour Folks, Housewife promos and food don't really mix unless you want to have a Top Chef Vomitorium Station set up back behind the tour bus.

And who were the chefs everyone was here to see?

That would be Eli Kirshtien of Season 6 and Nikki Cascone of Season 4. Now if you notice in the Bravo TV announcement they trumpet the fact that you're going to get a chance to eat the chef's food. If you come expecting to taste Nikki's Purple Depressed Bacon dish or Eli's Fried Egg Reuben Benedict, you're out of luck. If you really want to try the chef's food, go to their restaurants (Nikki - 24 Prince Eli - Solo). That's where Nikki is actually serving the version of Purple Depressed Bacon/Pork Loin with Sweet Potatoes, Grape Sauce, Jus and Brussel Sprouts. Today Nikki and Eli demonstrated how to make your own sausage. Now you know me, if I can link you to the relevant recipe it's in the post. Claims that the recipes they made were on Bravo's recipe website are crap. Honestly, it's just as well, writing accurate and concise recipes is not really Bravo's forté. Basically Eli demoed a pork meatball with sauerkraut, a mustard sauce and some chopped apples.

How was it? Heavy on the garlic and really simplistic flavor-wise. Stranger still was the fact that one of the sponsors for the KC Stop was Scimeca's Sausages, a local company that's been making great sausage since 1935. Nice touch to tell the gathered fans to screw the store bought sausage and make your own. But did I get to really eat the chef's food or did I eat a Bravo assistant producer supplied recipe that local chefs hired for the day actually make behind the curtain? Cue up Over the Rainbow please. Shout out to the Culinary Center of Kansas City chefs for their hard work cooking for the day.

Of course it wasn't just about the food. It was about the gossip. It's the behind the scenes chatter of Top Chef that folks want to hear about. Or at least what's contractually allowable (yes, the tour handler made a point of mentioning that little disclaimer). Did I learn anything new? Not really except that the one constant question tour chefs get is How long do you wait in the Stew Room. Answer: Usually 6 to 7 hours if you're lucky. Yes they get drunk and yes they abuse Glad Products stored there. Now when I heard who the tour stop chefs were going to be, I inwardly groaned. Eli was not exactly my fav during the season but I went with an open mind knowing that the pressure of this kind of show exerts on people will make them act out in bizarre ways. What Eli seems to be trying to reform is not so much his image but the people who receive his image. "Get to know me" is Eli's current theme with an undercurrent of his being right all along about Robin being the worst chef and unworthy of being in the Top Chef Fraternity. At some point you hope that Eli will stop trying to convince the world that Robin is horrible and work on being a bit more mature.

Nikki, on the other hand, seems like someone who would be a pleasure to sit down and chat with. Most likely because when she was asked who her favorite guest judge was she responded with Tony Bourdain, not to mention knowing enough to hit the best bbq while in KC, Oklahoma Joe's. When asked what was the most surprising aspect of the show going from viewer to contestant? The pressure. Most of the contestants deal with crushing pressure as it is working in a restaurant but the pressure of your own expectations of your own performance multiplied by the pressure of a time clock and judges table? No wonder these people have nightmares.

So if you're a Top Chef Crack Monkey by all means, hit the tour when it comes to your town. Buy some t-shirts or cook books, play putt putt golf. But if you really want to taste a chef's food and support your Top Chef favorites, seek out their restaurants and put some coin in their pockets. That's the best way you can really get to know a chef.

A Gentle Reminder

Tom thought this dish failed in every way...

...but this dish was good enough to serve to 175 guests of Las Vegas's elite.
The Crack must be mighty fine in Las Vegas.

Can We Talk?

There have been two constants in the TV world of Top Chef, Tom Colicchio and Gail Simmons of Food and Wine. From Season One, they have been the most prominent faces of series. Tom, more than anyone, has benefited greatly from being on Top Chef. I doubt Diet Coke or American Express would have sought Tom out as their spokesman had it not been for massive success of Top Chef.A man pursuing his own Pimpage Kingdom, full of commercials, guest appearences, cookbooks, and TV shows. Yet as his kingdom grows my respect for his work on Top Chef continues to plummet. Last night's efforts illustrate the reasons for my discontent.

Let's do a quick recap. The Elimination Challenge had our six remaining chefs drawing knives to each pick a Las Vegas themed casino to visit and draw inspiration from so that they can create a dish for 175 party guests. This type of challenge works much better in Project Runway than it does for Top Chef but here we are. The bottom three were Robin, Eli and Jennifer. This episode's Judges were Tom, Padma, Toby and Nigella Lawson. Not a bad foursome to tell us truthfully what tastes good and doesn't taste good. The race for Elimination is seemingly between Eli and Robin. I say seemingly because generally when a judge says it takes all her self control not to spit your dish out of her mouth, that's a surefire sign you are out of there.So we have 3 judges at the party who definitely say they don't like the dish and the fourth finding fault but not throwing it under the bus just yet.Over at Robin's table no judge wants to spit out her dish or never eat it again. She gets dinged for the over firmness of her Panna Cotta and for not putting the sugar glass on her dish. Fair enough criticisms since Robin, yet again, chose to make a dish she's never attempted to make before and hasn't done sugar work.

At Judges Table, Eli has to face Tom's conviction that Eli's dish was and I quote here "The dish was a failure." Nigella was confused and Padma hated the flavors. Robin, now making her fourth appearance at the losing Judge's Table gets to deal with Tom and his little idiosyncrasies. Such as when to serve or not serve part of a dish. I don't know how many times we've heard Tom bitch and moan about if something is a failure, don't put it on the plate. Even as recent as Ashley and Eli's salty gnocchi dish back in Episode 7. Now apparently Robin should have used the failed sugar panes. She is also criticized for her stiff Panna Cotta. Once the chefs leave the room, judging continues. Nigella, when faced with a choice between eating sawdust and Eli's dish, would chose sawdust. Tom hammers Eli's textures and execution. Toby points out the obvious, the distinctly unappetizing appearance of Eli's soup. Robin gets penalized again for not putting the sugar panes on the plate. Tom also points out her failure to make Panna Cotta as soft as it should have been, because it's a dish that's so simple to make. Actually in Tom's world everything is much easier when Tom is doing it but I didn't hear him saying Eli should have been able to make soup since soup is so easy to make. As we head into the Elimination I thought Robin had slipped past again and the clueless Eli would finally be packing his knives. I was wrong.Does it bother me that Robin was eliminated? Not really, she was never in my top four contestants. What does really bother me is past performance. Not of the chefs but of the judges or I should say Judge Tom Colicchio. During past seasons, when someone's favorite chef was auffed Tom would always proclaim that the worst tasting dish is the bottom line judgment that counts. That trumps everything else. Can anyone honestly say Robin's dish was the worst tasting, according to what we saw and heard? It gets worse. It turns out that Tom didn't hate Eli's dish. Oh no. Here's an excerpt from his blog on Bravo's website.

Between you and me, I kind of liked Eli’s dish. It was not successful by a long shot, and I understand why my fellow judges truly did not, but I enjoyed it. I think the raspberry dome should have topped the other elements (circuses happen under the big top, right?) — it would have been fun in a way befitting the circus theme to break through that to find what surprises awaited beneath. Even so, the theme was better realized than in Robin’s dish, where she just never translated the Dale Chihuly glass sculpture from the lobby of the Bellagio to her dish. The colors of the flowers in that handblown glass sculpture are so vivid, the texture so striking, and yet we were handed a piece of white panna cotta in a pale purple sauce with a pice of amber sugar on top (which, incidentally, made the photo taken for the episode, but didn’t make it to our plates). Right now every pastry chef who watched the program is thinking, “Ohmigod, there are SO many ways to pull this off!” If you know how to work with sugars, you cold make little translucent flowers in a host of colors, using dyes. Even if you’re not proficient enough to work in sugars, there are myriad ways to work with the colors and the idea of flowers. Panna cotta is basic, simple fare, but Robin’s wasn’t well done; the texture was wrong. And the sauce was terrible. What can I say? At the end of the day, every element of her dish failed. Eli’s dish was less bad. And so it was Robin’s turn to go.

I call Shenanigans! What can you say? How about your judgment sucks? How about apologizing to Nigella Lawson for disregarding her opinion as worthless. It's not like she's some young giggling vegetarian ingénue guest judge, she's Nigella Fucking Lawson. Did you not hear her say she'd rather eat sawdust?? How about a little consistency with your judging? Failures, do they belong on the plate or off? Which is easier to make, Panna Cotta or soup? Better yet, which one do you think a Top Chef should absolutely know how to make and please make sure you notice I didn't write Top Pastry Chef?

There you have it. If anyone has suggestions for Tom's replacement, now's the time. My vote? Nigella Lawson or Michelle Bernstein. And please bring back Gail full time. The Top Chef world would be a much better place for it.

Restaurant Wars - The Red Team

So. Restaurant Wars. This is what I love about this challenge. Sometimes what you get is not ever what you expected. Coming out of the Quickfire, the Blue Team so confident that they let a sure $10,000 in cash go in the hopes of rolling it into $40,000. Sometimes that's the price you pay for overconfidence. We'll get to them soon enough. I want to talk about the Red Team or Revolt (with the E backwards) because without even stepping into the kitchen by all rights this team should have been called Dysfunction.
Here's your team, the Battling Brothers Voltaggio, Whiny Baby Eli and Faux Momma, Robin. Does it not have disaster written all over it? First let's review the parameters: 30 minutes to plan a three course meal, then $3000 and one hour to shop at Whole Foods and Restaurant Depot. A change this season, no one has to decorate their restaurant (thank goodness) because either A) there are no Pier One stores in Vegas or B) no one expected Pier One to still be in business once they got to this challenge or C) No gay guys left to slough off the flower arranging duties. They are also responsible for Front of House and Service and whomever does FOH still has to come up with and execute one dish. So the Red Team starts their planning and not five minutes in it starts.Best line of Red Team planning: Can you make your ganache not grainy...? The brothers may have each other's back but they still reserve the right to poke each other with a sharp stick, this sharp stick being Robin's Apple Crisp to Bryan's Grainy Chocolate Ganache. Done with the pokery, they move onto Shopping.Faux Momma has apparently given Baby Eli tasks that hopefully he can handle, like driving the cart and sending age appropriate (for him) product pimpage text messages.Guess Sprint's still in business enough to buy the big Top Chef Pimp. Meanwhile Faux Momma loses her mind over having her Pellegrino strategy copied by the Blue Team.Little did she know that all the Pellegrino in the world would not be able to save some people. Shopping done, it's back to the house for Project Top Chef Runway.
Dang, I'm guessing the Cocktail Dress didn't come with a matching set of diapers so it was nixed. Thanks anyway Tim Gunn.Three hours to prep before service is about the right time for Michael's Mr. Control Freak Hyde to emerge. Robin takes the brunt of his heavy hand but not even Bryan is immune.Revolt's menu is looking spectacular. Wide range of proteins and preparations and a fun dessert. Can they pull it off without killing each other?Service starts and already the restaurant's name is causing some confusion. Maybe it's a puzzle game to work on while your food is coming? While the diners try and suss it out, the Big Guns arrive. I think Padma stole Eli's cocktail dress and added some fringy shoes?Still, I'll have to admit she looks mighty fine in it. After more nit picking the restaurant name, Revolt's first course hits the table.

Smoked Arctic Char with Beet Sauce, Horseradish Cream and Potato Chip

Chicken and Calamari 'Pasta', Tomato Confit and Fennel Salad

Beautiful First Course servings of Char prepared by Eli and an interesting chicken preparation by Michael. The chicken gets raves especially from Tom who wants to eat all the serving instead of saving some for Padma. You know Padma's not having any of that noise. OK maybe Tom's a wee bit smarter than I generally give him credit for. Still, he did think Padma might give some back after he passed it her way? Snort! The Char, while beautiful, gets pinged for being one dimensional. Time for Main Courses. Well, maybe not time yet. While they never say, apparently there was too much time waiting between the first and the main course.

Duo of Beef, Braised Short Rib and Prime NY Strip Steak with Sunchoke Puree

Cod with Parsley Sauce with Mussel Billi-Bi Croquette and Zucchini Tenderloin

The cod gets the nod from Rick Moonen but no one talks about the Billi-Bi Croquette. So I will. Because I easily confess my ignorance I googled Billi-Bi and discovered that while there is a Danish boot designer named Billi Bi......Billi-bi in culinary terms is a French soup made from mussel stock, white wine, shallots, butter and cream. This dish caused a bit of tussle between the brothers when Bryan exploded a serving of croquettes and Michael had (really, demanded) to re-do the serving. I point this out not only because not serving a poorly executed dish is sometimes more important than getting to the diner quickly but because Michael gets a little heated and we hear the beep machine covering some of his juicier complaints. He may be a control freak but it was his dish and having that little croquette of creamy mussel goodness melt at the table is worth the extra effort. However it looks like Bryan's duo of beef is not as hot as it could be and Toby finds the sauces bland.Back in the kitchen, Michael apparently does not have enough to do so he micromanages the appearance of Robin's dessert. Robin, finally pushed to her limit, pushes back and gets her own beep machine montage. Michael, thinking cursing is restricted to just himself, warns her not to curse at him again. Bryan jumps in to break it up but Robin and Michael continue sparring until Michael decides the best way to get Robin to now relax is to yell Relax over and over again at her. Has he any problems with how her dessert tastes?

Pear Pithivier with Frangipane, Vanilla Ice Cream and Elderflower Syrup

Chocolate Ganache with Spearmint Ice Cream and Chocolate Tuiles

Must taste good because the judges eat them both up, giving Robin props for making her best dish yet and loving Bryan's Ganache.

What did the judges think of Eli's Front of House duties? He seems to have handled it quite well, apologetic when necessary, clear and concise with his dish descriptions and showed just the right amount of badgering to the back of the house to get those plates moving.

Back in the Stew Room, the Red Team works on their Under Bus Strategy.

They needn't have worried. They get the first call to Judge's Table and we all know what that means.Hugs instead of bus wheels. Now, for me, it gets a little stupid. You see Tom had to ruin it all with his Best Restaurant Wars restaurant ever comment and here's why. It may well have been the best food prepared for Restaurant Wars but to compare it against the five other seasons of Restaurant Wars is pure bullshit. This was absolutely the easiest, non-twist, no raw space challenge ever. You better hope you get better food but if you want to let all those chefs from past seasons come back and compete in Rick Moonen's sweet Las Vegas set up, with the well placed kitchen, beautiful decor and no bloggers planted in the dining section to throw nasty snark at the efforts of your chefs, fantastic, do it. Until then you sure as shit don't sound like you know what you're talking about because it sounds like a huge insult to those past chefs who helped make Restaurant Wars such a great challenge. Don't get me wrong, I'm as happy as a clam not having chefs attempt to be interior designers or have some crazy twist thrown at them. It's enough to start up their own restaurant and develop a cohesive menu in basically one day. To reward these four chefs with that kind of compliment is just more of lazy, sound bite pronouncements from Tom. Gee, what's new?

So Michael is named the over all winner of Restaurant Wars. But wait, there was one little twist......the Blue Team's $10,000 prize now goes to Michael. Happily he decides to share his winnings with his teammates which is pretty generous. Happily for me, his brother Bryan can't contain his anger at Michael's unprofessional behavior and tells him to keep his share of the money. I love family dynamics mixed with high tension stress. I feel like there's a wedgie right around the corner, just waiting for one of them.

Next up: Self Inflicted Wedgies.

The Devil in the Diaper

My goodness, I didn't know Pampers was pimping the last Quickfire. How else to explain the big whiny crybabies that emerged from our TV screen? What had their Pampers in twisted wad?The fact that Robin won the Angel vs Devil Quickfire with her Apple Fennel Salad vs Apple Crisp. The reason she made those two dishes was because she's a cancer survivor and eating healthy is very important to staying healthy. But like most of us, we always crave the things we can't have, so the apple crisp was her devil. The explanation made sense and was personal, her dish was simple and tasted good. Chef Michelle Bernstein enjoyed the simple flavors and execution enough to give her the win and immunity. That's all.

Not Quite.

Because she beat out Eli for the Quickfire win, Eli went all Douchbag in one of his one on one interviews. This is the quote. "That's a pretty good way to win a Quickfire, tell people you have f___ing cancer. When I had cancer I ate this and when I didn't I could eat this. Like...oh...ok. I mean weak." No dude, what's weak is your whining. How insulting. Not only to someone who is just happy to be ALIVE but also to the guest judge that you think the reason she chose Robin was ONLY because she was a cancer survivor. Brilliant. So we hereby nominate Eli for our first ever Whiny the Poo Award for General Cluelessness and Downright Douchbaggery. I think he's earned it. Now please, will someone change him out of the load he dropped in his Pampers?