Winning Was Never So Sweet

Don't know what everyone else thought about the finale of Just Desserts but it was a bittersweet ending to a enjoyable twist to the Top Chef series. In my humble opinion the right person won, the underdog almost took the whole shebang and Karma had a little surprise for the third place loser in the form of unsellable souffles.

One of the biggest surprises, at least for me, was the finalists going straight into the finale. Certainly no rest for the weary. The chefs show up at the Kitchen expecting one more Quickfire only to find Gail in a hot new outfit but apparently unable to move below the waist. Gail fills them in on their final challenge, a four course tasting menu, totally chef's choice of what they want to make. All served to a dining room chock full of outstanding chefs and well known critics waiting to pick apart their desserts.

Gail generously gives the chefs the night off and sends them off to enjoy a night of cocktails at the Edison. It's a dark little spot and there our chefs find Chef Johnny lurking in the shadows, enjoying an adult beverage. After reassuring them there's no twist waiting in the kitchen, Johnny orders some desserts to share.

These desserts look so yummy but sadly there's no hint as to what they are or who made what. Well, no specifics exactly but we do get to meet the chefs.

It's the Three Blond Aces!! From right to left, the very perky Chef Sherry Yard, next to my longtime pretend girlfriend, Chef Elizabeth Falkner, next to old school pastry Chef Claudia Fleming (former pastry chef for Tom Colicchio at Gramercy Park). They made the fancy desserts and they will be serving as Sous Chefs to our finalists as they prepare their final desserts. Yigit pulls Sherry from the Cookie Jar of Destiny, Danielle takes Elizabeth leaving Claudia for last. Danielle, of course has a face for just such an occasion that mixes anxiety and elation.

She really should market this ability. Perhaps Danielle's Face A Day Blog. It could go on for years. There's another night at the condo where more childish stupidity happens but I'm so sick of it that we're just not going there. Back in the kitchen, all the chefs crack down to get as much done as possible in the seven hours they have on that first day. It's uneventful yet productive. It might have even been a learning experience had one wanted a lesson....say in the technique in spherification (the culinary process of shaping a liquid into spherical shapes). Morgan does his best to enlighten Chef Fleming...

(I'm not here for a chemistry lesson, you big mook)

...while Danielle listens attentively, wondering if Chef Claudia will embrace Morgan's methods to her bosom?

Yeah.....I'm guessing Chef Fleming is going to take a pass on spherification. So Day One ends with hugs for Sous Chefs Falkner and Yard. Chef Fleming, having failed Spherification 101, is not rewarded with a hug. Fast forward to Day Two at the kitchen where a whole new set of Sous Chefs have replaced the hard working crew of the day before.

Guess who doesn't play well with most of these folks? It's at this point that the Idiot King makes his last nasty, violent remark. However this post is about the winners of this last episode, not the loser. So the Cookie Jar of Destiny is produced for the last time and Yigit pulls Tim, Danielle pulls Tania and Morgan pulls Heather H. and before you know it their three hours is up and it's time to start serving. Lots of familiar faces among the guests.

Elizabeth Falkner.

Suzanne Goin with James Oseland. While Suzanne is looking really spiffy in her should cut-out dress, James has decided on the outfit he wants to be buried in.

Susan Feniger, another one of my pretend Girlfriends (for when Elizabeth is out of town...)

The remaining contestants not working in the kitchen also get to join in but only after they are segregated away from all the Adult chefs and relegated to the Just Dessert's version of the Kids Table. Damn that's cold.

Now when it comes down to the Finale dishes, it's really about perfection. There's a lot of other criteria but if you fail at one thing, you get shoved to the bottom and then those who performed better are judged against each other. I think I can safely say Yigit had a pretty flawless night.

Yigit's First Course

Cucumber Lime Sorbet with Straus Yogurt Caviar Pearls

Of all of Yigit's desserts, I think I want to try this one the most because it totally challenges my idea of what a dessert should be. It's so intriguing.

Yigit's Second Course

Strawberry Sorbet & Lemongrass Ginger Ice Cream with Berry Meringue & Consommé

Yigit's Third Course

Muscovado Braised Pineapple & Coconut Cake

This is the dish I most want to try and make. Pineapple and coconut? Yes please.

Yigit's Fourth Course

Hazelnut Dacquoise, Milk Jam & Salted Caramel Ice Cream

Everything else just looks amazing. It's a menu full of confidence and energy and really shot Yigit into the Winner's spot.

Team Go Diva, together again.

Scream Therapy

Issues. We all have our issues. Lately I've had a lot. If you thought there was an extra large set of cranky pants floating around here, wait until you see the Michael Moore size set we've got going on now. First to the most obvious "Technical Issues" Technically when your body rebels against itself so much that it hurts to do your normal everyday things, that's an issue. There's no need for gruesome details, just a need to move forward. Although, note to self, these would have helped.

Then there was this.

Last week's offing of Susan from Top Chef Masters. I won't go into massive detail but here's the gist, they had to make a dish drawing inspiration from a mythical god assigned to them. Susan chose Aphrodite, the goddess of Love. They were making tasting portions for 50 guests. Yet another catering style challenge but whatever. Susan made a dish that she loves and played on her interpretation as Aphrodite being the goddess of reproduction. Did the dish taste good? Gail Simmons liked it but that's about all the critique of how the dish tasted we got from our judges. What we got instead was suddenly an edict that a sandwich, no matter how it tasted, is not substantial enough to be considered Top Chef Master material.
I guess someone is going to have to break this news to Tom Colicchio. Susan goes home and here at the blog we're reaching Def Con Level 3 of Crankiness. I know I'm letting my emotions play way too much into this but I heard the faint echos of Top Chef judging creeping into Masters. I like TC Masters so much because it is not regular Top Chef. I grumbled to myself and set out to try and enjoy the last few episodes of the season.

Except.

Issue No. 3. The Great Top Chef Master Hoax. When this program emerged and the first season was done, I was pretty excited. I loved the show. I loved that we were getting to see adults acting like adults and really getting into the food. But let's face it, both TC Masters and Top Chef have hit a wall.That wall is the producer's belief that everything they throw up on the wall makes interesting TV or even makes culinary sense. You KNOW every Top Chef Crack Monkey out in the audience inwardly cringed (or outwardly shouted NO at the top of her lungs like I did) when Kelly told the chefs they had the night off and they would be enjoying a night of improve with the Groundlings. For those of you who are not TC Crack Monkeys, the idea is to make a dish from the words screamed out by the audience members at the Groundlings show, such as Burnt Sienna Depressed Avocado. Brilliant huh? I just don't get the logic of bringing this particular challenge back for Top Chef let alone using it for TC Masters. It sucked as a challenge then and it sucked even more as a challenge last night. My question is: Was this challenge worthy of being a Top Chef Masters Challenge? Oh. Hell. NO! So all that previous bullshit about Susan's sandwich not being good enough to represent a true Top Chef Master looks even stupider when they trot this thick gristly ham bone of a challenge for the last four chefs of the season!! I mean, Jonathan missed out on the finals because he had to make a dish that 1) tasted good, 2) incorporated or was inspired by the words Burnt Sienna Depressed Avocado and 3) make a dish worthy enough to be considered Top Chef Masters material. What asshatery. I want to see challenges that incorporate some of the things that actually happen in a real kitchen, like equipment failure in the middle of a dinner rush, finding out your supplier sent you the wrong fish and the cook who checked in the order from the supplier didn't catch it and now you have to totally improvise a new dish with that fish, or how about cooking in a power outage? I know plenty of restaurants who find ways to cook and serve during storms and weather events no matter what. But please, start smoking a better brand of crack than the one you're on now that lead you to believe the Improv Challenge was funny. It was not. Unless of course you find food shaped like a vagina endlessly funny because if that's what being a Top Chef Master means, somebody better get Michael Midley sobered up and ready in time for Top Chef Masters Season 3 because he will smoke anyone you put up against him.
If it was the producers intention to fool well known, established chefs into thinking that they would not have to dance the dance of Top Chef's stupidity, bravo, mission accomplished. It's only a matter of time before we see Top Chef Masters waking up in some horrendous bunk beds and when it happens it will be a sad day indeed.

Leg Men and Woman

Six Chefs left and they are getting crankier as it gets closer to the final episodes. This week's Quickfire is all about legs.

Why? I don't know but as long as they are cooking for real live people I promised myself I wouldn't complain and a gold medal athlete using his legs is as good a tenuous connection as any when it comes to these Quickfires. But I wondered? How would they choose which leg they wanted? Draw straws? NO!

AWESOME....Rugby Scrum. They all bum rushed the fridge like it was 4:20 on a Friday. That's right Susan, wiggle your way in there. With their proteins procured, cooking commences. One of the reasons I like watching these sorts of shows is the hope that I'll pick up some new technique or method that I can use in my own cooking. For instance...

...beating the hell out of your crab legs with pot. Or....

...praying to your refrigerator. Rick needs to pray, he picked out octopus (which, technically, don't have legs but this is a reality cooking show not a biology class) to try and cook within the 45 minute time limit.

Meanwhile Susan is doing something golden and beautiful to some chicken legs. (My plate is cleared for landing for those luscious bird stems). Time is up and service to the Gold Medal Leggist begins. Can I just say, I love that the Quickfire is served away from the chefs and they have to watch via TV. It's prime bitch time.

We start with Tony's Crab and Potato salad with 3 types of Coriander. Jay Rayner, who is also sitting in on the judging, feels it's under-dressed. Jason, who seems to actually know what he likes, likes the salad.

Next is Susur's Indo roasted Leg of Lamb. This was also a pretty bold choice for a 45 minute Quickfire. Again Jason likes the flavors and the light sauce hand. Jay says the meatballs are cute. I suspect he says this because he knows it will get under the skin of the very serious Susur. Sadly we did not get to learn any good Chinese curse words.

Susan's Cumin Cilantro Chicken with pickled tomatoes on quinoa & raisin pilaf. Not a plating masterpiece.

Don't get mad at me, you plated it. It's not like it matters because both Jay and Jason love the tastes. Tasty and Ugly is always better than Pretty Dreck, at least in my house it is.

Jonathan's Capellini with king crab, jalapeño and mint is up. This looks really good and pairing mint and jalapeño sounds interesting. Jay, who apparently has his own set of cranky pants, wants more crab in his pasta. Jason thinks it's a good carbo-loading meal for an athlete.

Marcus gives us a Confit of Frog Legs with Curry Broth & Crab Rice. It's not pretty especially with the Brown Smear of Pretension. It's too rich for Jason and too overwhelming for Jay.

Rick is last with his Egg in a Hole with Roasted Octopus & Béarnaise Sauce. Jason likes the clean plating of the dish but Jay can't help but express his dismay at the chewiness of the octopus.

So who wins the $5000 for their charity and an advantage in the Elimination Round?

That's right, The Big Passion in a Little Package, Susan with her simply Delicious Ugly Chicken.

Next up: Tossing the Old Olive Around

Surf & Turf, Masters Style

Our chefs are faced with the daunting task of creating a Surf and Turf dish with some very exotic proteins. Rick, who won the Quickfire, had the entire table to himself and went with the Monkfish liver and the Black Chicken. This challenge could be seen as playing right in Susur's wheelhouse. The same with Rick and his seafood repertoire, I would think all those surf offerings are things he's worked with before. Turns out that Rick and Susur think alike since they took the exact same proteins. As for the other chefs, it's a crap shoot.

Shopping Fill in the Blank
The Chef went to _______ _______ and had ______minutes and _______dollars to shop. _____ lost his cart while shopping. _______ told a story about eating rooster testicles. ____ claims to be in a fog where the ingredients are not talking. _____ does not have much faith in her dish, explaining her dish would make the cashier puke. ________ got a chair massage while still in ______ ______which seemed to piss _______. A double ________ salute was raised.

Everyone went back to the kitchen in the ________ provided Pimpmobiles.

The End.

Back in the kitchen, the proteins are not getting a whole lot of love.

Wrong show Susan but I like the way you think outside the pot.

The chefs continue to wrestle with their unfamiliar ingredients, trying to decide to the best way to deal with an unexpected texture or flavor. Apparently one thing they don't have to wrestle with are dirty pots and pans.

Background Spotting with Big Shamu

I love looking at all the little details (not involved with product pimpage) in shows like this. Sometimes you see maintenance guys working on a stove while a chef is trying to cook, you might catch someone making a face behind someone else's back, or you might see production PAs washing dishes.

Dishwashers are not what's got me curious. No, it's the rubber glove taped to the one guy's back? What the hell is that about? Maybe I'll text Andy my question on the next Watch What Happens.

Day One cooking is done, onto Day Two. Rick is using chemistry to fix his broken mousse. Tony is feeling a bit cramped from Susur's manic cooking methods. As for Obi Waxman?

He is struggling mightily. It's just not his style of cooking to use exotic products. He's putting stuff on the plate but he's not loving his dish. The Dark Side is definitely creeping over him. No matter, it's time to eat.

Among our diners for tonight's meal are Andrew Zimmern, famous for his TV shows Bizarre Foods and Bizarre World where he eats much more bizarre foods than he will be eating on Top Chef Masters. Don't be fooled by Andrew, he's done his time as a chef and apparently was top notch. He lives food, on the radio, on TV and in print. He knows his stuff.

Rick is up first.

Rick's Poached Black Chicken Mousse & Roulade, Monkfish Liver Torchon with Buttered Leeks. He generally gets good marks but James Oseland thinks he could have done without the leeks.

Tony's Crostino with Calamari in Zimino, and Goat Cheese Ravioli with Braised Goat Sauce. I had to google Zimino to try and get a handle about what we're talking about. Google further confused me. It looks like it refers to an Italian sauce consisting of tomatoes, olive oil, garlic and some sort of greens (chard or spinach) and hot pepper that is used for braising seafood. Looks like that's what he braised the giant squid in. (True Italian cooks, feel free to clear my confusion). The crostino makes everyone happy but the lack of goat on the ravioli is immediately called out.

Susur yanks out the big guns by mixing French and Japanese cuisines with his Poached Monkfish Liver, Black Chicken Velouté and Black Chicken with Monkfish Liver with a Burned Butter Sauce. Right off the bat it's a much more elegant looking dish than some of the dishes Susur's done in the past....once you get past the clawed chicken foot. It seems to be hitting on all cylinders and his monkfish outshines Rick's preparation of the same product.

Jody follows Susur with her Sicilian Spiced Roast Goat, Geoduck & Chickpea Chowder and Homemade Harissa. She immediately gets pinged for the overly rare roast goat but her chowder receives nothing but praise.

Marcus presents his Geoduck and Kangaroo Sausage, Geoduck with Pearled Couscous and a Geoduck and Kangaroo Tartare. It looks like a hot mess. Or should I say Hot Mess Jr.?

Wow. Jonathan's Giant Squid Fritto Misto, Fried Duck Tongue, and Fideo with Duck Tongue.
Honestly? It looks like a big plate of fried road kill. Some of it gets praise but wow.

Last but not least, Susan and her slug. Marinated Sea Cucumber, Fried Sea Cucumber, and Kangaroo with Juniper Sauce. Her plate isn't much better in the plating and appearance department than the last two but her flavors and preparation seems to please the diners.

Back in the Stew Room, no one is looking forward to Judge's Table.

You know, at this point of the competition, the chefs seem to be going one of two ways when it comes to dealing with the judges, strongly defending almost to the point of telling the judges they are wrong or kinda sitting back and chanting the age old Top Chef mantra, It is what it is.

So the top four are Susur, Rick, Susan and Tony. As they pointed out in Judge's Table, Rick, Susur and Tony were the first three chefs to choose their proteins but Susan, by going last, got whatever was left and still ended up with the winners. The big winner?

Susur with another amazing score of 19 stars.

As for who is going home?

I know who I would have picked. It certainly wasn't who was sent home.

Yes, half of my Girl Power Team is sent packing which makes me sad. Jody has a sly wit and never say die attitude I very much enjoyed.

So tell me, do you think they sent the right chef home?