Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Stop eating my soup!

Now that dire economic times are upon us, we must do our utmost to ensure that the comestibles upon which our hard earned money is spent do not fall into foreign hands... I am speaking, of course, of lunch theft.Lunch thievery, I suspect, has been a problem since the first human tied a bit of hide around a chunk of mammoth jerky to be consumed during a quick break from hunting, foraging and dragging his or her woman around by the hair. And as long as there are those thrifty and thoughtful enough to bring their lunch from home, there will be those ballsy enough to consume said lunch without hesitation or remorse. But fear not, there are solutions...Pack a lunch that is just too weird to steal. I'm not sure how appealing it would be to snag a lunch that has the ability to stare you down. Back in the day, it helped to have a mother that packed a lunch that no one else would eat. Alice Waters started her daughter Fanny off right. Fanny remembers how she'd carry "a 10-pound lunchbox" to school, filled with Alice's big salads topped with prosciutto or fresh mozzarella, macerated fruit for dessert and linen napkins. "I never got teased," Fanny says. "Most of my friends were envious." I never had that problem. My mother was of the Tony Bourdain "Anything Goes" school of lunch thought, providing me with big thick beef tongue sandwiches on dark pumpernickel bread, dressed with a hearty mustard. Trust me, no one ever asked for tradesies...(Psssst! Click on my tongue for a tasty recipe!)Of course, you can always let the lunch container itself be your line of defense...This plan works especially well if you know someone who can get you some "lunch bags" that no one in their right mind would explore... But if all of these suggestions fail, there is always one tried and true recipe for success...That's right, I'm talking about the ever popular "Ex-Lax Brownie". Now mind you, it's not an instant fix, but once word of what happens when folks eat your cooking gets around, not only will your lunches be left untouched, but you'll also never get stuck in the dread office pot-luck loop again!

I hope this has been helpful to those of you who bring their lunch (or have ever considered stealing mine...) Carry on!

8 comments:

The Troll said...

Grrrherhahahahahahhaha! Priceless. Most are too elaborate for my taste but painting "mold" spots on a baggie... Simple. Elegant. Effective. Brilliant!

zappagrrl said...

You could always use the method employed by Det. Kellerman on an old episode of "Homicide": plant one of those dye packs they use for bank robberies in your lunch, and you'll be sure to catch the lunch thief blue-handed!

moi said...

Mmmmmm . . . beef tongue. Here in Nuevo Mexico, "lengua" is a traditional part of our Christmas dinner, served with pico de gallo on tortillas.

Dang. Now I gotta go make me a tongue.

P.S. No one ever stole Moi's lunches either. My secret? Limburger on pumpernickel with strawberry jam.

Big Shamu said...

Congratulations Moi, you are the first person I've ever had that admitted to eating Limburger cheese. You truly are hardcore.

frogponder said...

I am in and out of schools, usually on a last minute HELP! basis, so I'm lucky to find the staff bathroom. I found these wonderful gell containers, the wall and top are filled with freezeable gell. Take one out of the freezer, dump in lunch and toss it in my bag. Done!
And kids find it fascinating as it is green and looks like snot :-))

Big Shamu said...

So Frogger, are you saying the snot-like quality of your gel packs keeps others from mooching your lunch?

Works for ME!

What happens when you bring Natto for lunch?

moi said...

Wait a minute. What's wrong with Limburger cheese? The French make a couple a waaaaaaaayyyyy stinkier ones.

Big Shamu said...

Moi said from waaaay across the room.