Cutting the Cord

Remember this? I don't. I still haven't watched the finale. Just downloaded the episode off of ITunes today but only because I downloaded an app called Finger Cut for my ITouch (an app that let's you be a cutter without the pain, infection or scars). I'll probably never watch that episode. However my disgust with TV went even further than that. I'm not only done with Top Chef, I'm done with Masters, Bravo, hell I chucked cable all together.


It was a long time coming but the DouchToad Finalists of Top Chef All Stars were the straws that broke my TV's back. No more. No more Swamp People. No more Housewives. Paula Deen and her Ten Tons of Buttery Fun will have to seek elsewhere to find buyers for her wares. My cable representative was not happy. It wasn't like I was a huge customer anyway. I never bought into the HD hype because again, do I really want to see Swamp People in HD? I think not. So my package was fairly meager to begin with but that didn't stop the cable pimper from trying her darnedest. "Well, if it's a matter of money you could get our most basic lineup..." This pissed me off because you can get over the air HD basic if you buy an antenna from Radio Shack and pay once instead of paying the cable company twenty bucks a month for those "free" channels which wouldn't be in HD anyway. She tried another tact, "Perhaps if you upgraded to the HD package?" So now she wants me to pay more for even more crap shows and box rentals? I politely declined. Finally I convinced her that I was a heretic and quite serious about no longer paying them any of my hard earned money.

Of course it didn't stop the Cable Company representatives from calling my house every day, sometimes twice a day for the next week (thank you caller ID) to try and lure me back. But here's the other thing. TV made me a zombie. I have a ton of cookbooks I want to read and explore. There are some fantastic restaurants here in KC I want to visit. It's Year Two of the Backyard Garden Experiment which in reality will only work if I break out the lumberjack flannel and cut down half a tree to get more sunlight to my garden plot.

That's not to say there won't be some things I'll miss from Pay TV.

NCIS marathons.

Robot Chicken

Aqua Teen Hunger Force
(Holy crap, am I a twenty one year old computer nerd trapped in a 50 year old lesbian's body???)

So what am I watching instead? Apparently I've gone back in time. It's a happy place that I suspect many in our country would like to go back to...

...when people had maids who wore sensible shoes and were named Hazel. A time and place where Sally Field did more than pimp Boniva....

...she rode a beach board and called herself Gidget only to follow that up by...

...by riding a nun's habit into the skies of Puerto Rico.

A time when kids played outside and had lots of energy without being labeled hyperactive.

This does not mean I've given up foodie tv, it's just limited to PBS. Or until certain folks decide that killing the Muppets on Sesame Street is in the best interests of the country.

I think I'll be ok.

Girl Power

The call came a little after midday. Yes, there were still reservations left for the event tonight, now if you just give me your credit card information...

Which is how I found myself here, a golf community north of Kansas City. Not really my stomping grounds but when you get an opportunity to get to eat a six course meal prepared by two of your most favorite chefs in all the Top Chef shows? Get the camera ready baby, because Carla Hall and Antonia Lofaso are in Kansas City.

Girl Power indeed. Night two of a two night event of food and Top Chef chatter. Cocktails started off the night in the spacious National Clubhouse. Not a huge event, ten tables of eight and no table was filled out. Since I had made my reservation so late and couldn't get anyone to go with me, I was beginning to worry that I was going to be at a table alone. Happily Emily and Dino made reservations just as late as me.

How cute are they? Not to mention they're Top Chef freaks, run a restaurant and Emily has a girl-crush on Antonia. Good food, good company, gorgeous setting and Top Chef gossip, does it get any better? Let's check out the first course.

Antonia started off the meal with a Hamachi crudo, crispy rice, mizuna, with miso vinaigrette. A bold dish to serve to folks in Kansas City, a place steeped in stockyard and meat on the hoof history. Not that anyone at my table minded since we all enjoy sushi so the hamachi was a welcome starter. Still trying to figure out how Antonia did the crispy rice because it was a nice little crunchy treat on top of that flavorful hamachi. And BONUS, both Carla and Antonia help bring plates to the table.

Our second course was a salad course.

Another bold choice by Carla since so many people reject eating beets right off the bat. An Asparagus, Golden Beet & Shitake salad with a Tarragon Dill Vinaigrette and a quenelle of goat cheese boursin. The chefs come out after each course is served and talk a little bit about the dish. Carla gave us a little taste of spring, especially with the asparagus. The general consensus at our table is that it was a great salad especially since the beets didn't have that distinctive beet flavor. It didn't last long on the plate.

This photo is part of Antonia's next course. This is some sweet shrimp and matchstick apples. Now....I don't have a photo of the whole dish but I have a really good excuse. See, they plated the shrimp and apples and then came around with hot pitchers of Curried Cauliflower Soup and poured it over the shrimp and frankly when the smell of the soup hit my nostrils all thought of grabbing a photo left my brain. I know it's spring but this is a soup that would be great on a fall afternoon and we did everything but lick our bowls clean. Check out the recipe at the end of the post. Bravo Antonia!

Next up is Carla's Grilled Halibut with Ramps, Pickled Fennel and roasted Sunchoke Pesto. When Carla talked about this dish, it sounded like it was still a dish in progress. The fish was cooked well and the sunchoke pesto was interesting but I still think the dish needs a little oomph.

Antonia's Lamb Loin, Fennel Butter, Brussel Sprouts and Blue Bacon Salad. This dish, more than any other dish on the menu, gives us a chance to eat a dish the chefs prepared on the show. Or at least intended to serve on the show. This is the dish that Antonia planned to serve to royalty had a fire not happened in the restaurant. It's a pretty good dish and certainly sounds better than the shrimp and grits she did eventually make. Even my table-mate Emily who doesn't like lamb, enjoyed this dish.

Carla finishes up the night with a Strawberry Rhubarb Meringue Tart with Lime Basil Coulis. I love lime so this is right up my ally. The only problem is that the tart base could have been a tad more tender but it didn't stop me from eating it all.

Now that the chefs are done with kitchen duty, it was time for a little Q & A. We got to hear about future plans which for Antonia include writing a cookbook for busy working moms trying to make good food on a tight schedule and budget. Carla shared her exciting news of being part of The Chew, who along with Mario Batali and Michael Symon will be taking on daytime TV (and killing ABC's soaps along the way). Both Carla and Antonia's favorite episode, hands down, was the fishing episode because they had so much fun. Carla's least favorite episode (aside from the one she was eliminated on) was the Target challenge mainly because the cameramen COULD NOT KEEP UP WITH CARLA. After a demonstration on just how fast Carla is, she's right, I'm sure she left them in Target dust. They also shared a funny story about one of the dishes for that challenge and how one chef thought he was coming up with an incredibly unique dish but when he shared his idea with Carla and Antonia they were flabbergasted. The dish? Baked potato soup which any number of chain restaurants have been doing for years but really a bit of good luck for Carla because Angelo went home instead of her. The chefs shared another amusing moment that revealed a little bit of the behind the scene production issues. Carla and Antonia were asked to sing the Beef Tongue Song.

The only reason the Beef Tongue song even happened was that when Antonia gets nervous, she sings to herself. In real life, this is not a problem but on a syndicated show like Top Chef, the moment a recognizable song is uttered, for it to make it on air, the right's holders to that song must be paid. So all the songs Antonia came up with to sing away her nervousness had to be original in nature. Enter Carla and Angelo, co-writers of the Beef Tongue Song and Hello I-Tunes downloads and one of the most fun moments in Top Chef history.

We discovered, while as horrific as it was for us seeing Mike in swim trunks, was nothing in comparison to seeing it live, proving once again that while you can choose your friends, you cannot choose your family. I'm pretty sure finding out Mike was her cousin was not the Elimination Prize Antonia was hoping for. We also discovered that Padma is a warmer, more approachable person since the birth of her baby (while I did enjoy Antonia's description of Padma's eating habits as more in line with that of a long haul trucker). However after hearing the three restaurants Carla and Antonia hit up in a two hour period here in Kansas City, they apparently were doing their best Padma imitation. Two bbq joints (Arthur Bryants and Oklahoma Joe's) and one burger joint (Blanc Burgers) is a whole lot of meat to consume before a big night of cooking.
Finally the questions were done and the chefs graciously allowed any and all who wanted their photos taken to be accommodated. Which means Emily's girl-crush fantasy is fulfilled.

I have to say at the end of the night, Carla and Antonia were exactly what I thought they'd be like. Carla is funny and entertaining and apparently seems to be the only chef who seems to find the good in everyone. Antonia is honest, warm and engaging and I certainly hope she finds success as a result of her time on Top Chef. I'm sad that neither one of them won Top Chef All Stars but I believe their triumphant spirits will take them further than winning the title ever could.

Antonia Lofaso -- Curried Cauliflower Soup with Sweet Shrimp, Apples, Cilantro
Serves 4 people

Thinly slice half onion and sweat, no color.
Rough chop 1 head cauliflower and add to onions allow to sweat.
Add 4 t curry powder and allow to bloom.
Peel 2 apples, remove seeds, rough chop and add to sweat mixture, approx 10 minutes.
Cover with 3/4 cream and 1/4 chicken stock simmer, season with salt and pepper, blend.

Dry 16 pieces of sweet shrimp, season, salt and pepper, dust with all purpose flour.
In a hot sauté pan with about 2 T peanut oil, sauté shrimp.
Garnish soup with sautéed sweet shrimp and julienne Fuji apple garnish with micro cilantro and cilantro oil.

For cilantro oil....
2 bunches cilantro blanched, refreshed and blended with 2 cups peanut oil, strained thru cheesecloth and sieve.

Carla Hall -- Asparagus, Golden Beet and Shiitake Salad
goat cheese boursin, tarragon dill vinaigrette
serves 4

1 bunch asparagus
1 pound golden beets
8 ounces shiitake mushroom caps, julienned
¼ cup goat cheese boursin (see recipe below)
1 cup baby arugula
1 recipe tarragon dill vinaigrette (see recipe below)

1. Prepare beets – preheat oven to 400°. Wrap each beet individually in foil and place on sheet pan. Roast beets until they can be easily pierced with a fork, about 45 to 60 minutes. Allow to cool slightly, and peel beets with dry paper towels, then cut them into ½” dice. Toss in vinaigrette.
2. Prepare asparagus – trim the woody asparagus stems by bending them until they break; the asparagus will naturally break where the stem becomes woody. Discard the woody ends. Heat a cast iron skillet then add minimal oil. Sauté asparagus in small batches until browned and just tender, about 2- 3 minutes. Set aside to cool. Cut the asparagus on the bias (at a diagonal) into 1” pieces and toss with lemon zest.
3. Sauté shiitake – sauté mushrooms in hot skillet until browned; season with salt and pepper. Set aside.
4. Putting it all together – arrange beets, asparagus and shiitake on each plate. Dot with small balls of goat boursin. Lightly toss arugula in vinaigrette and top composed salad with greens.

Tarragon-Dill Vinaigrette

Lemon oil
2 cups canola oil
Strips of zest from 1 lemon
1 stalk lemongrass, tough outer layers removed and bottom 4 inches roughly chopped

Vinaigrette
¼ cup freshly squeezed lemon juice, about 1 lemon
½ teaspoon Dijon mustard
1 teaspoon tarragon, torn
½ teaspoon dill, snipped
½ teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon sugar
¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
2 tablespoons tarragon, roughly chopped
¼ cup lemon oil
½ cup olive oil

1. Prepare lemon oil – In a medium heavy saucepan over very low heat, combine oil, lemon peel and lemongrass. Cook, uncovered, until aromatic, about 1 hour. Do not let oil boil. Remove from heat and cool to room temperature. Strain through a mesh strainer into a heatproof container. Cool completely before using. May be stored in an airtight container in refrigerator for up to 4 weeks.)
2. Prepare Vinaigrette – In a medium bowl, whisk together lemon juice, mustard, tarragon, dill, salt, sugar and pepper. Slowly whisk in lemon oil, then olive oil. Adjust seasoning, if necessary.

Goat Cheese Boursin

1 garlic clove, minced
8 ounces goat cheese, at room temperature
4 ounces cream cheese, at room temperature
3 tablespoons grated parmesan cheese
1 tablespoon fresh dill
1 tablespoon chives, minced
2 tablespoons parsley, minced
¼ teaspoon black pepper

Still Done!

If you came here for snark about last night's episode of Top Chef All Stars, I'm sorry. I didn't watch. While I had planned to go the movies and eat greasy popcorn, I was just too tired. Instead I watched some of a repeat of Battle Oyster on Iron Chef America. I'm sure you can guess which chef they put up for that battle? Yes, Cat Cora and yes she won. Next was a little bit of Bobby Flay throwdown and battle lobster mac and cheese. But not even those two wonderful things together couldn't hold my interest. So I found comfort in the lovely acting abilities of Coté de Pablo who is a Chilean-American actress and recording artist playing a Israeli Mossad agent on the tv show NCIS.

Frankly...considering the two finalists....I made the better choice. You know why? Because I'm still....

Numbers

1) 67 vs. 60

2) 16 vs. 5

1) In the eight seasons of Top Chef there have been 67 male contestants vs. 60 female contestants.

2) In the eight seasons of Top Chef there have been 16 male chef finalists vs. 5 female finalists.

3) 6

4) 0

3) The number of restaurants in the Craft chain: Craft NY, Craft Dallas, Craft LA, Craftbar, Craft Steak Los Vegas, Craft Steak Fox Woods.

4) The number of female chefs as executive chefs at the 6 Craft chain restaurants: Craft NY - Damon Wise, Craft Dallas - Jeff Harris, Craft LA - Anthony Zappola, Craftbar - Lauren Hischberg, Craft Steak Los Vegas - Matt Seeber, Craft Steak Foxwoods - James Lynn.

Kings and Commadores

The Bahamas. If Top Chef All Stars wanted to present their finale episodes as a travelogue of what the Bahamas are like, the last two episodes couldn't have presented it any better than black and white. Our chefs discover that they will be dropped off at a deserted island to prepare a meal for members of the Nassau Yacht Club.


But first they must rest and trash talk. The guys talk about how they both practiced making conch dishes. The gals? Tiffany talks about small towns and Antonia gets no face time whatsoever. The next morning finds Padma hanging out at the docks.

Answering the question that Yes, yes indeed, it is better in the Bahamas.

Mike definitely thinks so. Blais? Let's just say Blais has more important issues on his mind.


After a short boat ride, the chefs hit the beach of their deserted Kitchen Island. Lots of proteins and produce but no conch.


That's because they have to harvest their own conch. This is problematic. You see, I love most of my little TC Crack Monkey readers (actually some of you scare me but mostly it's love ) and I know most of you come here for the food, some for the drama and some come for the pretty lady Padma. I have nothing against men (mostly true), or Mike (hold on, swerving into Liesville) and find Richard the most awesome guy ever (no one out there believes for a second you didn't just puke all over your keyboard after typing that...) but when given the choice between looking at either one of their manboobs or gazing upon Padma in her Bahamian Glory....well I decided drastic measures were needed. I give you Padma-Vision.

(....and the Emmy for making Reality TV More Watchable goes to.....Big Shamu!!)

The chefs have now procured their carefully placed conch, thinking the hard part was over. HA! Now they have to remove the conch meat from the shell.

(I hope they let Antonia keep her black hammer.)

The one thing the guys couldn't practice because why would you want to buy and clean your own conch? Finally after much smacking, pounding and whacking, all four chefs move onto actually cooking. The food looks fantastic. Lots of spiny lobster, tons of different fish. Despite the fact that they are cooking on wood fired heat sources they all seem to be making beautiful food happen. Now I know they mentioned that the cooking supplies were rather thin so I'm guessing Richard brought this gadget with him.

Now, I haven't seen this at my local Williams Sonoma or any of the other kitchen gadget places. But I believe it's this -

A Paderno World Cuisine - 49823-99 - Dual Ribbon and Spiral Slicer. If you'd like to make ribbon noodles from sweet potatoes just like Richard and have a little over seven hundred dollars burning a hole in your wallet, it can be YOURS! Richard doing a little product pimping himself. But will it win him the challenge? I know his babbling about the added pressure of not winning his season won't.

The guests arrive and suddenly I need my sunglasses because we have entered White World.

White curtains, white clothing, white sand, white flowers and Tom's shiny bright white head. Just curious....no Nassua Yacht Club members of African descent?

Back at Richard's Station of Hate, he's getting nervous looking at the other chef's dishes. He's up first with his Hampton's style dish.

Doesn't do much for me but the judges seem to like it except for the guest judge's undercooked lobster....witnessed by Gail. Gail, who also corrected Tom that Richard did not make pasta but instead made sweet potato ribbons. You go Gail!

Antonia's up next.

This is more my alley, a nicely cooked piece of fish with a conch cerviche. The flavors seem to be good but she gets pinged for her conch dice being too small and some fish temperature issues.

Someone else with temperature issues is Tiffany.

I don't really get Tiffany's choice here, it's the top four competing, I don't think a bowl of chowder is going to cut it. Plus it doesn't help that she mistimed plating her dish and it ends up not being hot and comforting when it gets to the diners.

Mike's up last. He takes the time to reach back and smack talk yet another woman chef, this time Elia who was eliminated in the very first episode for banana leaf wrapped fish. Save me Padma-Vision from this pompous idiot.

Another nice dish that I'd be happy to eat. The only thing Tom picks at is the over-abundance of butter in the dish, his thinking the fish doesn't need it.

In the stew lobby, Antonia is making me love her with her sarcastic attitude to Richard....

...who is not amused. Judge's Table pretty much goes as expected with the dish with the least issues, Mike, winning and the dish with the most issues, Tiffany, heading home.

Now if you didn't watch or listen closely to the previews of the upcoming week, you missed the fact that there are two MORE finale episodes and then a reunion show. Apparently one more chef will be eliminated leaving the final two to battle it out. What it really means someone's head will explode, either Mike or Richard for being eliminated or mine for another finale without a female chef if Antonia is auffed. Stay Tuned...

Talking Some Smack

I'm not really sure what the purpose was of the team Quickfire. Something about consistency, I guess preparing some of our chefs for a stint serving banquet food. It seems rather bizarre that we're checking to see if our four finalists can put out consistent food. Isn't that Chef School 101? For whatever reason, the four chefs must pair up and make 100 servings exhibiting consistency and precision. The cash prize is measly too, just five grand to split with your teammate. Mikey, despite his new found blood relation, fears hooking up with the Black Hammer. I'm not sure about this wisdom considering....

...the judgment used to select this craptacular piece of headgear. However the male ego is an interesting thing and for a second there I thought that our two male chefs were going to grunt and belly bump to cement their ritualistic macho bonding.


Obviously cooking and plating a hundred servings in an hour is a challenge that requires a fairly simple dish but still have some decent flavor for the judges and not forgetting the aforementioned consistency. Mike and Richard decide to go with pasta with a Bolognese sauce, highly confident that their status as "The Ones To Beat" will automatically make their Quickfire the winning dish and thereby crushing the girls. This, my little Crack Monkeys, is a luscious tidbit of foreshadowing, an amuse bouche of smack talk with a gelée of impending karmic justice. Antonia and Tiffany decide to do a seared beef salad with lentils, celery leaves and a chimichurri sauce. Notice that there are four components. Blais continues with some smack talk about how someone with no vision will fall back on a seared meat salad. He feels that their pasta with meat sauce, with it's two cooked components is much more ambitious due to the fact that they are making their own pasta in an hour. What's funny is that the very advice he gave to Mike, "Don't get confused by the technique, it's about the plates being perfect" is lost when he looks at the other team's dish. That they made their own pasta doesn't matter, it's those four components on the plate, all being consistent being compared to their two components of a pasta and a meat sauce. Could come back to bite you Richard.


Not to be outdone in the smack talk department, Mikey puts forth that he could have made all of Antonia's and Tiffany's dishes, by himself. Bold talk from a guy only made and cooked pasta and choked at Restaurant Wars searing lamb.

Of course the Red Team wins...

and something definitely got crushed...

...as possible Therapy money flies right out the window. I'm thinking Mikey and Blais are finding the Karmic Justice Gelée a wee bit bitter.