Tuesday, November 17, 2009

How do you feed Hungry Women?

Padma, after a long night at the Craps Table and not a Hardee's within 20 miles, makes a phone call to Room Service.The chefs, amazed at Padma's ability to eat at the drop of a fork, must make breakfast in thirty minutes for Padma and her guest, Nigella Lawson.Now this isn't the first time on Top Chef that the contestants have made Padma breakfast. She wasn't in bed and she was alone, gently waking Season 3's chefs as they slept.
Apparently touching the chefs was traumatic enough that this time Padma would be in bed and the chefs would be fully dressed. Still 30 minutes with anything in the hotel pantry? Should have been a piece of cake for all the chefs. But for all that time, equipment and food, the output was pretty uninspiring. Robin and Eli are the first pair to serve, Robin with blintzes and Eli with a Fried Egg Reuben Benedict with Thousand Island Hollandaise Sauce.Robin gets absolutely no feedback on her dish and Eli gets the "it's a great hangover dish" from Nigella. Frankly neither one is hitting my breakfast spot and I love breakfast.

Back in the kitchen, Michael has his big bitch panties on, complaining about how messy Robin left the station he gets to work on. Let me break out the Karmic Kitchen harmonica for a little rendition of the "Nobody here Gives a Crap" Blues. Can you tell which Voltaggio brother I favor? On the other side, Kevin is whipping up the smart choice of meat and eggs, while Michael decides to well char his bitch panties. Thank you Jennifer for keeping us from seeing what a Room Service Fire Drill looks like.Kevin gives us Steak and Soft Scrambled Eggs with Creme Fraiche, Aged Cheddar, and Green Onion. Hello! Michael decides to go international with Huevos Cubana with Banana Puree, Rice, Bacon, Arugula Salad. This one I'm not sure about with that Banana Puree. Again very little feed back from our Ravenous Room Service Wenches.

Our last pair, Jennifer and Bryan get cracking. I can't believe it, Jennifer is doing the classic Shit on a Shingle or Creamed Chipped Beef on Toast, beloved by Armed Forces around the world.She even used the classic Meat in a Jar. Once you were done with the contents, you could use the jar as a juice glass. Yes, Jennifer hit on one of my guilty pleasures. And she's serving it to Padma and Nigella. Bryan on the other hand, has gone a little more refined with his King crab, polenta and four minute egg.Nigella looks a little confused at Jennifer's offering. You know why? Because a typical English breakfast looks like this...Yes, that's baked beans, mushrooms, tomatoes and at least two kinds of breakfast meat on the plate. According to British Breakfast.org there's even more what with the fried black pudding and brown sauce (a great glutinous concoction of molasses, vinegar and oriental spices). So I don't want to see any aghast faces from Ms. Lawson at a little SOS. Save it for Bryan's dish.Jen's SoS gets no love or hate and Bryan's 4 Minute Egg with Vanilla Beurre Fondue, crab, Asparagus Spears and Corn Polenta is ruined for Nigella by the overpowering abundance of vanilla. I'm upset because no one thought to plop a greasy fried egg on top of a couple of strips of bacon on top of a huge greasy cheeseburger with loads of Ketchup and let Padma re-enact her recent Product Pimpage while lying in bed. Now that my friends, is Breakfast in Bed.With our judges dressed and hopefully fully sated, time to deliver the results of the Quickfire. For the top two Kevin and Eli are called out with Eli taking the prize for his head slapping sauerkraut breakfast. On the bottom is Robin, yet again, for her blintzes and Bryan, who probably would have won this had he not tried to pair vanilla with King Crab. Which is too bad because had he won, his recipe would have gone into Top Chef's second cookbook...Top Chef Quickfires (in stores NOW). Still it's not $10,000 which would have bought a lot of Axe Shampoo for Eli's crispy hair.His only hope now is that the Axe Shampoo Pig finds him instead.


Making Space said...

OK here's what I got.

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahhhhh....
Nigella checking out Padma's bosoms.

That's what I got.

Big Shamu said...

I see, you have your own running subtext for a show you're not watching. It's as good a method as any for this show.

Making Space said...

Damn! Caught in the act!

On any other day the food porn would have won, I proooooooomise. This was a very special situation. Truly. Madly. Deeply.

moi said...

Shouldn't it have been the other way around? Padma checking out Nigella's bosoms, given her much more zaftig frame?

Oh, and Pee Ess. I'm Mikey when it comes to food, but ain't no way no how you're getting me to eat crab with vanilla. Yew.

Big Shamu said...

Yeah, my tongue actually shrank up in my mouth when I heard the vanilla and crab combo. Yikes.