Going Too Far

What is wrong with people these days? What makes them think they can improve on a wonderfully simple thing? I present to you today the stupidly named S'More To Love STL-600 S'More Maker. This, people, THIS is why America is going to hell in a handbasket. Because big corporate companies like the maker of the S'More To Love STL-600 S'More Maker hates the Girl Scouts of America!

There are certain memories and rituals you just don't mess with. If you've ever been a Boy or Girl Scout, more than likely you went camping. You got to sleep in a tent. You got to swim in a lake. You got a cool knife.

OK, maybe it wasn't exactly the knife you really wanted...

...but the point is that you learned how to safely use a knife without slicing off any important digits you might need later in life. You also learned how to whittle down sharp ends of a long stick to roast marshmallows and build the fire to roast those marshmallows.

These are important character building exercises. It's important to know if you will you be a whiny, smoke gets in your eyes, crybaby, or will you be a campfire warrior who will accept nothing less than a smoking char of a marshmallow, who would really rather be off practicing her knife throwing skills in the dark? (Apparently some of us were more suited to Xena, Warrior Princess Camp)

S'More were messy. Your marshmallow might have bits of burned bark embedded in it, it might have dirt on it but you still smashed it between a layer of Hershey's chocolate and two graham crackers and enjoyed every bite of it's charred goodness. You were camping in the great dirty outdoors. You were supposed to get filthy. You were supposed to go home dirty and grime encrusted, so much so that your mother could read the hieroglyphics of whether you had a good time by the grunge stains in your clothes. She could wonder at the your bloody knees, not that you hurt yourself but that you could still draw blood through the thick scars from all the knee scraps that came before. But now the makers of STL-600 want to take that all away.

"No more dirty campfires and burnt marshmallows - this innovative treat-maker allows you to make 6 tasty S'mores in just minutes."

Heathens!!! Dirty campfires and burnt marshmallows are American as apple pie and fried chicken. It's like spitting on the flag....and not just any flag...

...but like spitting on the Star Spangled Banner Flag. So take your cheap geegaw and melt it down into something useful, like a cast iron skillet.

We can never have too many of those.